Use the regret / Follow the Gospel and do Good

As always, living on the kindness of frenz, I used to 'live' w/ the Joker. he has been the last 'roommate' I've had. Not a full roomate - I had a set of keys, and would stay over 1-3 nites a week. Rent was affordable= free. As w/any time living @ 1207 or 1826, Jackson's various cribs, or any massive number of frenz who have always let me crash/keys/feed me etc (Bless you all, by the way), I took a lot from those situations. First and foremost, it was thanking god that i have such class frenz, who put me up for so long- as a Southsider who has almost never owned a car - those middle of the nite El trips down to 95th and state would have destroyed anychance of hanging out except for once in awhile. However - 'cause frenz, and I cannot have lived the quality of life w/out their deep generosity through the decades - I have enjoyed living on the North Side while living on the South Side.

So- as this is a Joker nod - when we'd get back late nite 2-3am after a nite of drinking w/ frenz, we'd get back, jabble or two (or 66, w/ me), and Joker 'd throw in a movie. Now, i'm pretty hip - lots of art, philosophy, architecture, history, music, literature, etc etc etc....... - but I've got lots of even hipper frenz who often embarrese me when they'd turn me onto something great. 3 AM, sitdown our soused bodies (that nite it was him on the couch, me on the Ikea chair- funny what on remembers from long ago), and Joker throws in "Magnolias".

And he promptly falls asleep. He always did. And he stuck me w/ this three hour movies that once started- I just had to finish. Fucker. And thanks. It's such a class movie. There were lots to take from that movie.

Of course - w/out ruining it- the central point in the movie, and one of the greatest of all moments in cinematic history, is the "Wise Up" moment bit. I can remember the feeling going through me those 2 1/2 minutes:

"Jeesh, this is corny............ouch, so embaressing..........again? ............... hmm............... kool....................kool..............shit shit shit, fucking genious.........fuck......FUCK, THIS IS INCREDIBLE !!!!!!!!!...."

Talking the next day w/ Joker, we went over the joy in the film, and when I started talking about that scene and Exclaiming it, Joker pointed out how great that scene ends. Sorry to be so vague- those who have seen it know, and it would JUST KILL ME if I ruined that genius for anyone. See it.

But why I brought up the movie was another scene. The old dude who is dying and going in and out of lucidity. He grabs his attendent, and talking about the shitty things in his life @ the end of it, and he comes out w/ the line "Use the regret." Use that regret to force oneself into change.

So- and here's the whole point of the post - that line came up this Ash Wednesday when I recieved ashes. First off, great mass. I'm very church/bible friendly these days, and I was into mass from the first whistle....err, prayer.... There was good crowd, I had my spanish New Test. with me, and I was in a good mood. So, I recieved ashes from a priest, and he didn't use the "Remember Man, you are ashes, and to ashes you will return" line we grew up with - it was the "Follow the gospel and do good" one. So, after snickering about the whole 'follow the gospel' bit after my Judas/Spong turn lately- I thought the priest mite as well have said "Use the regret"

I'm attempting to use the regret. I'm tired of my mind being off. I'm tired of only thinking of myself, attempting to get time to be by myself, shutting myself off from the rest of the world. I have so much regret. So, you know, I'm making a little change -trying to make it stick this time. I'd like to be more active. More attentive to Gf. A better son/uncle/brother/friend/teacher/collegue/citizen/human. I may not become a Good Bf/son/uncle/brother/friend/teacher/collegue/citizen/human- but I know a way that will make me better in all those accounts- plus richer and healthier !!

Todays's been easy. I decided to use the regret under the symbols of catholicism. So, frenz, be easy on me the next time I see you. To say Yes, I need to use my regret. There was a time I truely was powerful, just too young to know better. Then, when I fully realized the power, I'd made myself powerless.

Time to use the regret, again. Or, to misquote Shakespeare - "One more time into the breach".

here's a live - not the movie bit- version of the song.