The Holy Family

Embarrassingly, but it was said out loud by Jamie yesterday, but I mite as well rend my cloak on line. I've been, uh, somewhat of a miserable family member in my immediate family. @ a certain point throughout my life, all four of my sisters took turns as my favourite. These days, and having the longest run of them all, it's Sister.2. However, my relationships with the other three are terrible.

I live w/ Sister.4, and I usually resent her presence. True. She was always jealous of the 'favoured' status in thre family - the baby and a boy - especially in a family where the previous boy - my only brother - died when he was six. It's funny to look back, but before we moved from the old neighbourhood to Mt. Greenwood, she always complained that it was me going to get the basement spread in the new house. Nope. She gets the giant room, the giant 'living room', her own bathroom, and loads of extra space. I got stuck w/ the 'closet' off of the kitchen. I sleep in the laundry room. And my stuff is spread throughout various sundry rooms. Over time (and not because of this factor - although when she, w/ TEN FUCKING TIMES the closet space as I, tries to take away even the tiny bits and pieces I've managed to scrape up throughout the house........... ). As I said, I have problems with her..... but I am the one @ fault in this relationship. She's fine, but years of trouble have hardened my heart to her. She tries, and I just can't seem to......... I don't know why, but it's not a good thing. All my talk of Jesus......

Sister.3 I originally labeled the Zionist. Apt. In this case, it's all her fault. Even though she has never lived in this house, she acts like she owns it. Her house - I'll publicly state for the first time that I do not feel welcome in her house, and so I refuse to go. It's been two years or so, but I can't ever imagine going there again. I've made a point of missing the xmasses she holds, even though they were always fun. I won't tell her whats afoot, but eventually they'll figger it out. When she's around I do not feel welcome in my own house. Funny. Made sure I made it to the kids stuff, like football games - I do not what them to suffer, as I am ( to a degree, since what I am writing now also needs to be factored in) a good uncle. This fool took down my Edwards poster in the front window, as well as the Nader sign in 2004 ((although the wonderful People's Weekly Worker sign I had up in 2000 - calling the Dem and Republican candidates all war criminals etc was left up)). I wanted to point out that the Voting Rights Act of 1964 prohibits this (although w/out even knowing, tell you the truth- but they see me reading all the time, so I think I could fool them), but haven't yet.

Sister.1, I don't know. Her two oldest kids are the ones I am closest to of all eight. She sometimes recognizes the years and years ....and years and years and years I have coached them and taken them around the city etc, but she usually just grumps around. Don/'t know.

And Sister .2, she's the most chill. We are kool with each other. Or, well, I guess I don't have these resentments built up. She's all rite.

So, it bother me a lot. I swear, I try, but as A Catholic, one can talk all you want - the doings the thing. So, I talk a lot of Jesus, and I know there is much peace in me. But those closest to me? Where is that peace? Why can't I do the right thing in my own family. I talk and talk and talk of saving others - and I just really really know that I can - but what of my own family?

We all suffer. But most of all, it's my Mom. She knows. Don't get me wrong - all my sisters are totally chill with each other. Outside of me, it really is a deeply loving family. But I know when these situations arise, she is hurt. At a time in life when her reserves are to be cultivated, I have the feeling she is burning them off because of me.

And then the kids. They are the real saving grace. Six are all nuts about me, but the Zionists have been a bit fouled by her. They like me - but not like the other six. They are only around me when she is about, and the air is usually thick it that context. However, as they get older, I hope they have open minds. But, again, we are all dedicated to the kids. s.1 and s.2 know it and their kids have reaped great benefits from my 'uncleship'. Delightful rewards. But I worry, as I always do, that they observe this fractured state of affairs and think its a normal family thing.

it is not. Or maybe it is, in families @ large. I know (so, I've been reading about it a lot) that Jesus's family thought he was nuts etc. But Jesus was onto something - and I am not. Beside being petty.

I've been deeply troubled by this, and have been for years. What I need to do is, well, "Wise Up".