It's taken so much to get all of this to-gether - so much work, and now towering worry about everything - and this was a game where we all looked forward to - and it wasn't the loss that killed me. We played well - i'd say it was 54% us and 46% them in terms of carrying the play - it was somethig else.
For me, it was the feeling that I can only go so far in helping the team get better. And I fear @ this point - despite all my much touted 'experince ' @ this school and that school - that my soccer expertise runs out when it reaches the high school varsity level - a high level- and it goes no further. I know full well that if Pito and crew were runnigng the show @ this school - fuck they'd be in the highest level.
My worth as an actual field runs out @ some point - and I think today - despite all the good I have done for this team/program - and I have done real and demonstratable good, yes I know- I can help barely any further. My expertise just runs out.
My worth as an actual field runs out @ some point - and I think today - despite all the good I have done for this team/program - and I have done real and demonstratable good, yes I know- I can help barely any further. My expertise just runs out.
The girls are just greater experts than I am. Really, they know bette than I. At every other program I've been @, there have been strong soccer people running the show and me just helping out. I get the feeling that the same is true here -except that the girls themselves are the strong soccer people - and my role is to just help out.
Don't get me wrong - I'm totally respected by them, and I full feel the appreciation for what I have done for them. True is the phrase that in the history of my school, there has never ever been anyone pushing socce the way I have. But when I arrived @ the game - running late as I had a 10th period to cover and after I'd let the Varsity take cars to make sure they'd gotten there on time - they'd already decided on a starting line up themselves. This is a crew that hads been to-gether for four years and are very close - and it's like they sense that they don't want me to fuck up what they've got.
And again - don't get me wrong - they really appreciate, respect, like, and all those other things me - but ......
On the JV level, I'm actually a great coach. Really good. I love teaching the game to the younger kids. I look @ our younger kids and smile always thinking of the Love we had on our JV team I coached last year and what a good job I did. I'm excited because I am also helping coach our sophmore teams. But I really fear that I have reached a level. And what am I to do? I want to do great things - great things - and ......
This is a tough thing for me. I get so much love - from the teachers, the administrators, the students, other coaches ... my players... but I feel that .... it's just kinda tough.
And the fact we lost today doesn't affect this. If we'd won 2-1, I'd still be feeling these feelings. After doing so much good for the program, the girls, the team - I still need to find my way.
Btw, they scored two fluke goals, and we hit the crossbar and shot just wide again and again and again. Lek HS was very lucky to beat us today. I hope we meet them again in the city or state playoffs. We'll win then. And hopefully, I can contribute in some way.
Final note. One of my favourite kids lost her father yesterday. I figured she'd miss the game, but the girl showed up to help her cope. She's so young to have lost her father. And I'm glad that she chose us to help her cope with her grief.
And again - don't get me wrong - they really appreciate, respect, like, and all those other things me - but ......
On the JV level, I'm actually a great coach. Really good. I love teaching the game to the younger kids. I look @ our younger kids and smile always thinking of the Love we had on our JV team I coached last year and what a good job I did. I'm excited because I am also helping coach our sophmore teams. But I really fear that I have reached a level. And what am I to do? I want to do great things - great things - and ......
This is a tough thing for me. I get so much love - from the teachers, the administrators, the students, other coaches ... my players... but I feel that .... it's just kinda tough.
And the fact we lost today doesn't affect this. If we'd won 2-1, I'd still be feeling these feelings. After doing so much good for the program, the girls, the team - I still need to find my way.
Btw, they scored two fluke goals, and we hit the crossbar and shot just wide again and again and again. Lek HS was very lucky to beat us today. I hope we meet them again in the city or state playoffs. We'll win then. And hopefully, I can contribute in some way.
Final note. One of my favourite kids lost her father yesterday. I figured she'd miss the game, but the girl showed up to help her cope. She's so young to have lost her father. And I'm glad that she chose us to help her cope with her grief.
2 comments:
First of all, congratulations on the great result in game #1. You should be very proud.
As the head coach of a varsity squad you are no longer the primary teacher -- that should be left to a trusted assistant. You are the leader. You arrive on time, but not too early --the fact that the girls picked the line-up is beautiful but that should be a treat not a desperate solution engendered by your lateness. Your job now is to inspire and motivate. In warm-ups, notice something about the other squad -- a swagger, a slight, preferably race or class based -- that can be used. But be subtle, we live in a different age.
Good luck and never be too proud to encourage a dive.
bless you
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