The Field of Mt. St. Jean, 8pm, 15 June 1815

Boy, talk about a disaster. On the 26th of March, we played our first 'conference game'. I'd been looking forward to this day because I thought we had a real chance to win the conference - but I was exposed as a terrible coach and our team looked , um, leaderless in the 1-0 loss. We just stunk, and I believe most of that reason was ...me.

One attempted explanation is that I'd spent so much time trying to get the whole program off of the floor this spring, I'd not been able to properly spend enough time on the varsity squad - the one I am head coach of. That's just an attempted explanation - true, but just an attempt. The real reason is that I just didn't apply myself to making this team my team and instead let last years playing decisions stand and the girls make decisions themselves. And it resulted in me not letting me coach my own team.

Bad.

My team is basically last years team back again. Really, only one girl is missing - the rest back. And despite the fact I had very real ideas on how I wanted the team to play and where I wanted the players to play and where some girls should play - inexplicably, I just let last years positions roll. We all figured on the ' lets not change what wasn't broken ' deal - but in fact we were broken. Last years team wasn't actually that good - 6-6-1 record and out of State in the first round - but we didn't see. What I should have done from the beginning was take the team over and style it my way - have some confidence in myself. And I didn't.

So, in this Thursdays game, when things got rough, the team fell apart. I can't describe the feeling of helplessness watching the team fall away from the sidelines. Just terrible. And the other team was so good. That it was only 0-1 testifies to the greatness of our defenders - but boy, we were in disarray. It was the lowest moment ever of my coaching career, and I needed to recover and lead these girls. The next twenty years of soccer @ this school depended on my reaction to what had happened. Again - we were in disarray.

And that's the coaches job to take care of. I let the team fall into this disarray. After the game, the meeting was terrible. Depressing. I knew especially the fault lied with me. I told the girls that what had gone on so far was totally my fault - and I feel this was true. Not a strategy to take the pressure off of my players - rather, it was true. At this point, I couldn't even see a way forward. It was a long bus drive home. A long ride.

Talked to Mom. Registered I was upset. About all. Called Gf. Me glum but not broken. Conversation turned to her hair or something in the second minute. About all. Finally called the top coach of Nek - and this did the trick. He's the guy whose had such a tremendous impact on me - and really it was good I talked to him since he calmed me down and steered me straight. He energized me, and when we hung up - I maybe not knew what to do - but I knew I had the energy to do it. But that call....

I was embarrassed to even voice my faults. But in a wide ranging conversation about things in general and things in soccer, I regained my - well, I didn't give in to defeat in coaching. We went over coaching in general, player decisions, injuries, scheduling games, goalies, formations, conducting practice, etc etc... As it really is my first year of running a program, he laughed and told me what did I expect in my first year? And he told me to use my strenghts. What are my strenghts? He told me when our sophomore teams played a week previously, he was impressed w/ the enormous amount of girls I gotten to come out for the team. He said it was my stenght to inspire people. Inspire people? Really? This is a good thing, and it was good to hear him say it.

Again, although it was heard by my ears, that idea that it was my first year and what did i think took a long time to sink in. Fuck that it was my first year - I wanted it all and I wanted it now. Like I was a kid. But, deep down, I knew he was rite.

Much reflection, called one of my captains, and told her we'd talk to-morrow and get her thoughts straight. I needed to take control, finally, of my own team. Funny, even that - I'd inherited this team, mainly, and failed to make it mine till this point. But in choosing to confer with just one captain - and not directly w/ the other (captain last year before I was coach) was one way in which I moved to take control.

The next nite, Saturday, the captain (Sweeper) and I had an hour monologue where everything I'd planned out I talked out. She wasn't allowed to talk much - it was important to get it all out - and I did. I rambled, new thoughts came to me, I rambled on further, and on and on ...

So, what I'd said, was more or less thusly, but in severely clipped form:

I'd wanted to coach this team so bad last year, and when I finally was named coach, I more or less reverted back to how they played last year. I deferred too much to last years coach (presently in Texas) and to their own wishes. Instead of making the decisions, I'd been too afraid to impose myself and make the changes that I'd wanted. I did not apply myself. I did not put my whole into it. And it wasn't because I was lazy - It was just ..... a failure to put myself out there because of the fear of .... a fear of .... whatever it was ... I wasn't doing a good coaching job at all. I was too afraid to coach. That was the fear.

So - changes had to be made. Mainly, it was me who had to step up and get things done. A long process, but ...

Injuries. I'd been warned that girls get injured much more easily than boys. One of the coaches on Nek told me not to schedule more that 12 games for my team. I listen to everything Pito has to say - but this time I ignored him. The head downtown guy of soccer - he also told me not too many games. But I was in total general manager mood, and loved contacting coaches to get other games going. Soo, I had scheduled 16 games. Sixteen. In a short season,many of the girls get injured, so I was left w/ a weakened team unable to field a squad for a game two days after the meltdown game. So, I had to learn to give the girls some breaks. We canceled that game, and then cancelled another. Horrid to call the coaches and say "Guess what?" But it had to be done.

Also, practice would be shorter. No longer three hour practices - lets have 1.5-2h practices. Day after games we'll have chill practices and not much running around. For the team, a very necessary change.

Positions. The girls insisted on three forward on top, and three midfielders. I wanted two forwards and four in the midfield. This was a Tremendous battle - the girls were convinced that only with three forwards could we score. But there was just no presence in the midfield...so we go w/ the 4-4-2 formation, and not the 4-3-3. A big battle.

There were many other small things - I need to get a mobile phone (I GOT ONE!!!) so i could be in better contact. I would come in early to one period so i would be available sooner for practice after school. I would pay much more attention to the varsity than to the entire program, especially since the whole thing is now underway and I do not need all the pressure to get it off the ground. But the main idea would be that i would actually coach the team now .. not just let inertia take hold.

It was a second good phone call. Both stabilised me. And now the real work of coaching the team began.