When I got Q pregnant those 20 years ago or so, we were both scared beyond belief. She didn't want to be pregnant - @ least not yet - and I was beginning to have doubts about the whole thing. One thing though - these two Roman Catholics were gonna have the kid.
I used to think that abortion was so deeply scandalous. Really a shocking event. The first time sometime I found out had the procedure - so shocked. I was so shocked that the one person that i always ran w/ gossip to - Q - I couldn't even tell her this. So shocking.
Now, of course, practically EVERY woman I know has had an abortion. Really. I still will not name names - but I know. Lots and lots.
So in some ways, looking back that score, that then I felt I got lucky. I wasn't ready to be a father, Q and I were in terrible collapse, and it just wasn't good. She had miscarriage about two weeks after she missed her extremely regular appointment.
I'd gotten back from class (Dekalb) and got a letter from her. Even though we talked all the time on the phone and I was back in Chicago almost every weekend, we used to write tonnes of letters back and forth. Still have, like 300 of them. She told me she had bled. It really was such a giant mess of my mind. It really was ALL OVER - the bleeding, well, stopped the bleeding.
So, I bring this up for several reasons. I feel real bad for my frenz, both of them and all of them. Talked to Roxx last nite and the sadness was all appearent - weary sadness. And I wonder. I've been very vocal about really wanting kids. Seven, but I'lla ccept five. I'm still not there yet - something about having a full time job and not making 1/2 of what I should be making and all that. It seems I will never father children. But given the choice right now - would it be a good thing if that child (who I retroactively named Rudy - Blooms dead boy)was alive today? I'd still be w/ Q.
And I bet I'd be miserable.
When Rocky wants to write, his stuff (in comparison to mine) always shames me. When he wants to write, which he rarely does. But, i'll take what I can.
I used to think that abortion was so deeply scandalous. Really a shocking event. The first time sometime I found out had the procedure - so shocked. I was so shocked that the one person that i always ran w/ gossip to - Q - I couldn't even tell her this. So shocking.
Now, of course, practically EVERY woman I know has had an abortion. Really. I still will not name names - but I know. Lots and lots.
So in some ways, looking back that score, that then I felt I got lucky. I wasn't ready to be a father, Q and I were in terrible collapse, and it just wasn't good. She had miscarriage about two weeks after she missed her extremely regular appointment.
I'd gotten back from class (Dekalb) and got a letter from her. Even though we talked all the time on the phone and I was back in Chicago almost every weekend, we used to write tonnes of letters back and forth. Still have, like 300 of them. She told me she had bled. It really was such a giant mess of my mind. It really was ALL OVER - the bleeding, well, stopped the bleeding.
So, I bring this up for several reasons. I feel real bad for my frenz, both of them and all of them. Talked to Roxx last nite and the sadness was all appearent - weary sadness. And I wonder. I've been very vocal about really wanting kids. Seven, but I'lla ccept five. I'm still not there yet - something about having a full time job and not making 1/2 of what I should be making and all that. It seems I will never father children. But given the choice right now - would it be a good thing if that child (who I retroactively named Rudy - Blooms dead boy)was alive today? I'd still be w/ Q.
And I bet I'd be miserable.
When Rocky wants to write, his stuff (in comparison to mine) always shames me. When he wants to write, which he rarely does. But, i'll take what I can.
1 comment:
thx Hilts. twas good to talk w you.
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