christmas

Christmassed @ sister.2's crib. Grown up kids, some with their own girlfrenz; but still kids. It was a deal to get myMom to get in the car and on over: the ice ran Shackelton strong, and I had to park the car running, help my Mom down steps slightly less icydangerous than the Hillary Step, iced over sidewalks, then over another icy obsticle in the shape of a snow ridge - and finally into the car. Long hard ordeal, but it insured Mom would be able to enjoy Christmas w/ the gang.

Thoughts, depressing.

Mom is so old, I've really come to treasure family gatherings. I got the feeling last April on Mom's 86th b-day that she really enjoyed it - we know there will be a time when we will not be able to celebrate it with her, and i guess she does too. Unlike my Dad, who never stopped talking about "When I'm gone..." - she doesn't like to talk about it. So I never do. Except to confess my fears here.

The Kids. I have never felt so alien to their lives, and it's growing. There is the normal arc to adolesence I have noticed. Wilde smothering attatchment to their parents till 'round seven, then the first inkling of frenz. Although frenz now begin to take on a lot of their time, they still have a seriuos attachemnt to the arents. Round twelve the real changes begin. Depending on how social the kid is, frenz begin to dominate, though still parents hold fore. But by 15? Man, they are gone all the time - and then college.

Don't worry parents; unless yr total jackasses, the kids will always hold an important part of their lives for you. But as an uncle - I'm not important @ all. And it stems a lot from my personal conduct. The kids swarm all over Sister.4, who is generally outgoing to them. But with me? Like every other person in my life, I try to hold them @ a sullen distance. I try to hold everybody @ a sullen distance. And this worries me to no end. I'm supoosed to be this gret people person w/ so many frenz and all that - but in between each relationship I have, there is that sullen distance - my choice -in between. So - the kids run around and include all in their conversations and stories - but there is a bit of distance between me and the kids. They just thnk I'm...well.... the wierd uncle... and I am. In years past - when they were smaller - it was so much easier. They were kids, and I was the adult. When hanging out, or babysitting, or coacing thm or taking them to a movie, Sox game, or play or whatever - it was easier when they were little. But now when they are all oldig and have so many options in their lives, it kinda hurts to know that I am very much on the perphiery now that they are becoming adults - whearas when they were younger, even as an uncle I had a adjunct part in raising them. Now, mainly raised, I fade. even more into the background. I really wish ......... It's really hard to be around kids, these days. The last year I've gained no satidfaction from kids @ all. I was in the Loop last week, in the afternoon, basically 2 blocks from Astrid - and I just couldn't stop by.

This sullen distance isn't just w/ the kids. You read this blog? Whtach me for this distance. it's in between me and you (unless you are spliffe or who have you, and have never met.

This is a problem. I know I have many gifts that need to be used for this world - and sullen distance is the exact opposite of my gifts. I'm cheating myself of all the people in the world, and I realise I'm cheating them of me.

"Cheating them of me"? Well, I'm not so down on myself that I can't recognize that I have gifts as well. Funny - in certain times of my life, I have been the MOST outgoing person there is. That is such a great aspect of my personality. But shit......

Gifts: a $20 gift certificate to Palermos pizza I'll use on the kids, and a gift certificate book from another sister. Gf got me a nice winter coat and a shirt. One of my co-workers got me a $20 certificate to a restuaraunt.