youbabynobodybutyou

Time to recover from the wear, finally here, time for me to be by myself, selfish..................it occured to me, this morn, that, finally, its ok to just say, this day, i do not want to talk/interact/hear from anyone, i want my time to myself, and if this seems is a wee bit selfish, its really not : the worlds most outgoing man (me) needs also to let the worlds most private man have sway, for the greater good of the world (think : the jungian duality of man- thanks private joker !!). Most know that the central battle of my 2 score is the job thing.....the classroom teaching thing was the hope for a long time, and i'd do well @ it now if i tried, but i scotched that plan of attack to score, and score gloriously, w/ the biblio. thing i'm presently in...........let me tell you, last year, in doing the biblio thing, i was secord and walter and #23 and karl heinz granitza and the entire starting lineup of the '05 Sox (((not to mention the '01, '06 '17, and shoutouts to the '72, '77, '83, '90, '93, '94, and '00 teams as well))) last year..............it was great, but i still found myself on the street @ years end ((i hear of their problems now..................heh heh heh heh.............)).......once again i'm in a really good place, the only place, really, the place i should be (thank you for the Love, jeane, one of the ultimate fighters for me, and i understand, the biggest), and its good.....................i believe that the world revolves on its axis better because of what i do rather than if i ws doing something else, and i feel just great about it; problem solved spectaculary, @ least for the time being (((my pos. is not perm., 'paid rite' and 'benefts' as it is)))................however, its very wearyingbecause i put my all into it = who couldn't, its so much fun and such the experience............however, i need to decompress, and have my time BIG TIME. In previous lives, I've been to Europe, by myself, what, 5x now? I used to travel to N side and do a little lp shopping, a used book pickup or two, a fast food meal, then el down home= a wonderful friday treat for my self............hell, i though i was strange in hs 'cause i used to walk some nites from my 'hood to the interfaces of other neighbouring 'hoods and amble fer hours ((( one drunken nite the old gf (saur kraut) shared secrets, and as the adult i was then laughed when i told her my ambles were considered secret @ the time- then we ex'd real secrets...........she's the only one who knows................)...............anyway, for me to be happy, i need my time---no i really need my time...............i canna be son and teacher and priest and worker and baker and handyman and friend and "talker to strangers who always talk to me on the street'' or even an uncle @ all times: i just get beaten, worn, torn and fray'd and have no effort left to shine when i can.............................................but it makes me feel guilty, like im letting down loved ones or not being like christ...............................told mom today,when she started to ramble on about something when my paper was in front of me , that......... ...i........just..... ....wanted..........to...........relax..........and ........not.............. ...................and i felt bad, but if i get no down time, im dead, i hate it, and i can't do what people love me for the grand majority of the time...............this is quite the pressing problem w/ gf, who insists on 7 days a week, despite my pleadings (((( and these pleadings started, yeeeesh, not the full year and a half, but maybe a year ago,)))). I, like a battalion of armed men, respond better for battle when i/it recieves some R and R..................i know i sound pithy, but i have an important role in the world (i know, i know) and i am determined to play it............................................................................which brings the biggest fear, and the reason for this long, selfserving post (no, this post is not done to glorify that 1990 Sox team)................this downtime thing, when one becomes a father, becomes impossible, which real fears me, because i really understand that, again, for this world to correctly spin on its axis, i need to be father............im kinda scared, but also realise 'context is everything' (or some dang king or other), and well, i've sorta solved the first overarching vexing prob. of my life, the job thing, @ least in a theorethical(sc) way. To return to the military allusions ; when that position(job) is fully taken and fortified w/ machine gun pits and supporting artillery, then the next advance can be made.....................................i do worry, 'cause its very important to me and im just not sure......................................................