More and more away I get from everybody, it seems. Everyone, 'cepting a few. My Mom. The 2 other coaches I work with. Bolo. And - ready for this - Gallo, BCD, and Chemical Man. Six humans and a dog. Otherwise, I just feel enstrangement, distance, and dissassociation. Nothing bad with anyone - all the bad is with me. But everywhere these days is unsafe and alien and unknown.
I have my moods, and im sure it's just that. But, still. On Saturday, watched the Champions League Final @ Gallos. What did we eat - frozen pizza! Gotta understand the foodieness of the dude, so it giggles me much that it was frozen opizza (good shit - and by me saying it was frozwn pizza @ Gallos, it was of course "super gourmet organic special wonder pizza", bott he 3 for $10 shit i get. Tasted great. The game was exciting and well played, but it sucked 'cause Man U was dominated aftere those first 10m. Somewhat reminisent of the final between ManU and Barca 2 years ago. This loss was easier to take - maybe because the odds were long going into it. But, as always, it's great to see Giggs play. He's such a link to my way past - he predates the Premership - that i'm scared he will retire soon. They play here in the summer - wonderful to see him as there is no tlak of retirement.
But, retire he will someday sooner than later.
Gallos is an easy place to go and Im always easily welcomed. It's a very safe place for me these days where I usually just want to go places where there is noone and I dont have to talk to anyone. Reason I go to bars by myself and bring along something to read - let me watch but no I don't want to talk. Going to soccer or baseball agmes - by myself. The theatre (a lot lately) - by myself.
Self, self, self.
Sunday was a cookout @ the Jokers. Hadn't been in contact w. these people -The New Guard - since LAST YEARS PITCHFORK. Now, understand, these were the people who I spent so much time with for so many years. So much time. I'm closest to the Joker and Big John here, but they all are important - except, again, enstrangement, distance, and dissassociation. Why? In many ways the group was fractureded from what it was say 10 years ago - but growing up and having families and jobs and houses and all that will, of course, do that.
And in many ways that is it. I've not worked for almost a year now, and Ive never been able to keep any job for long. At this point it seems that I will never work again - especially doing waht I want to do in CPS. I have almost no hopes in these regards now. Very pessimistic. A female would be nice - but now, @ my age and w. my propects... And children? I can't even take care of myself, let alone another life.
So, here I was, in the midst of my good frenz... who were talking about their jobs and children and doing ok. It was a struggle @ times to deal w. a simple cookout.
But I did. I talked, and mingled, and had fun. It was too long between times from having seen these guys - it wasn't Pitchfork, but sometime in October or whenever William Randolph Heurst no - it was Big John? had his bday party last. What I noticed was how much Kat, Big john's wife, is a safe person for me. Right after I got in, i immediately sat near her and joined her conversations before I could go on and talk to others. I'd realised that before, but now I know for sure - she will make me comfortable w. the whole group around.
So, trouble, trouble. I'm mired now. Lent has suddenly become hard - For me, it now ends Pentacost (12 June). Funny - that was never the problem. Dealing w. my mire is the real problem. My greatest gift is my socialness - remember when I was the monarch of all butterflies? No longer. But maybe again.
I have my moods, and im sure it's just that. But, still. On Saturday, watched the Champions League Final @ Gallos. What did we eat - frozen pizza! Gotta understand the foodieness of the dude, so it giggles me much that it was frozen opizza (good shit - and by me saying it was frozwn pizza @ Gallos, it was of course "super gourmet organic special wonder pizza", bott he 3 for $10 shit i get. Tasted great. The game was exciting and well played, but it sucked 'cause Man U was dominated aftere those first 10m. Somewhat reminisent of the final between ManU and Barca 2 years ago. This loss was easier to take - maybe because the odds were long going into it. But, as always, it's great to see Giggs play. He's such a link to my way past - he predates the Premership - that i'm scared he will retire soon. They play here in the summer - wonderful to see him as there is no tlak of retirement.
But, retire he will someday sooner than later.
Gallos is an easy place to go and Im always easily welcomed. It's a very safe place for me these days where I usually just want to go places where there is noone and I dont have to talk to anyone. Reason I go to bars by myself and bring along something to read - let me watch but no I don't want to talk. Going to soccer or baseball agmes - by myself. The theatre (a lot lately) - by myself.
Self, self, self.
Sunday was a cookout @ the Jokers. Hadn't been in contact w. these people -The New Guard - since LAST YEARS PITCHFORK. Now, understand, these were the people who I spent so much time with for so many years. So much time. I'm closest to the Joker and Big John here, but they all are important - except, again, enstrangement, distance, and dissassociation. Why? In many ways the group was fractureded from what it was say 10 years ago - but growing up and having families and jobs and houses and all that will, of course, do that.
And in many ways that is it. I've not worked for almost a year now, and Ive never been able to keep any job for long. At this point it seems that I will never work again - especially doing waht I want to do in CPS. I have almost no hopes in these regards now. Very pessimistic. A female would be nice - but now, @ my age and w. my propects... And children? I can't even take care of myself, let alone another life.
So, here I was, in the midst of my good frenz... who were talking about their jobs and children and doing ok. It was a struggle @ times to deal w. a simple cookout.
But I did. I talked, and mingled, and had fun. It was too long between times from having seen these guys - it wasn't Pitchfork, but sometime in October or whenever William Randolph Heurst no - it was Big John? had his bday party last. What I noticed was how much Kat, Big john's wife, is a safe person for me. Right after I got in, i immediately sat near her and joined her conversations before I could go on and talk to others. I'd realised that before, but now I know for sure - she will make me comfortable w. the whole group around.
So, trouble, trouble. I'm mired now. Lent has suddenly become hard - For me, it now ends Pentacost (12 June). Funny - that was never the problem. Dealing w. my mire is the real problem. My greatest gift is my socialness - remember when I was the monarch of all butterflies? No longer. But maybe again.
2 comments:
Not super fancy or even organic (I don't think)pizza,just Eastside Cafe frozen pizza from luxe Warrenville Illinois. The key though is to employ my spatula technique where you pat down the top every several minutes. Glad you liked. We will be at Millennium Park tonight.
Will call you for tonite. I am going as well.
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